As all True Christians know, the Kingdom of Heaven will not be built with good works–not only are works completely unnecessary, but they are actually a sin. No, it will be built with popular-books-turned-into-multi-million-dollar-action-movies, wuss rock, hip post-modern celebrity pastors, and talking vegetables just as it has always been. However, as I skim through contemporary Christian culture, I notice a glaring omission among the many fads utilized: there are no Christian-based reality shows! This makes me weep almost as much as I do whenever the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is mentioned. Therefore, I pitch this idea in the hope that some hip and youthful pastor will fashion it into reality; I’d do it myself, but I’m not tall enough, charismatic enough, or white enough to preach with authority.
The Pray’ng Bus: A Christian-Based Reality Series
Episode 1: Mindy
Two young, handsome, Caucasian pastors–Pastor Jeff and and Pastor Matt–and their silent chauffeur travel around town in a white van: the Pray’ng Bus. Jeff is in the front with the camcorder; Matt sits in the spacious back of the van. For the first five minutes, the two Promise Keepers discuss what’s popular among today’s youth: the #1 movie in the box office–Avatar –the #1 rock band–Owl City–and the #1 website for horny teenagers and lonely housewives–Facebook. Their knowledge of contemporary culture proves they aren’t your typical Christians. Skeptics everywhere will exclaim, “Wow! These guys are pretty cool. Maybe God is real.”
Afterward, the pastors spot a young and attractive girl on the sidewalk. They drive up beside her. “Hey, cutie!” Matt asks. “Where are you going?”
“My car broke down so I’m walking to the college,” she replies
“What a ride, honey?”
“Sure!” She hops into the back; Matt scoots next to her and swings an arm around her.
“What’s your name, dear?”
“Mindy.”
“I’m Pastor Matt and my friend here is Pastor Jeff.”
“Nice to meet you, Mindy,” Jeff says as he extends a hand to her. The two pastors chat with Mindy about her classes for a few minutes until she is relaxed.
“So, Mindy,” Matt finally asks, “if you were to die tonight, do you know where you would go?”
“Hmm, I don’t know. I guess I would probably go to Hell since I’m not a Christian.”
“Well, what if I told you that there was a way to know for sure that you would go to Heaven when you died?”
“I would be happier than I had ever been in my unhappy life, but as a typical skeptic, I’m a little skeptical about such a wonderful promise.”
Pastor Matt uses this opportunity to share his testimony with the barely legal college co-ed: as a young non-believer, he was very depressed and very angry. He directed his anger at society and especially at the church at which his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather preached. In high school and college, he heavily experimented with sex and drugs; yet, no matter how many big-breasted teenage girls he had sex with, he remained very depressed. Then one day, his life fell apart: he broke his arm. He had never seriously contemplated suicide, but when he, the star quarterback of the university’s varsity football team, realized he would not be able to play in the championship game, he saw no reason to continue with life. He knotted the noose and wrote his final letter to the world, but before he hung himself, he saw the Bible on his nightstand and decided to pray one last time. Immediately after his prayer, he received a call that due to a violent shooting at the university of the opposing team, the championship game would be delayed a month; he would be able to play in it! The next day, his father bought him the Camaro he had always wanted; Matt also met the new cheerleading captain; they would marry in three months. “My life,” he concludes, “went from the worst life in existence to the best and all because I placed my faith in the Lord.” For legal reasons, there is fine print at the bottom of the screen: Results not typical.
“That was the greatest testimony I ever heard!” Mindy exclaims as tears stormed down her cheeks. “Yet, I must admit I am still skeptical. Is there any scientific proof to Christianity? According to Family Guy, there isn’t.”
“Of course!” Matt responds. “In fact, I’ll scientifically prove the existence of God to you right now!” He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a banana, and places it into her hand. “Notice how the shape naturally fits the grip of your soft hands.”
“Wow!” she exclaims as she strokes the banana. “It’s as if it were designed to fit my hands!” She stroke the banana for a few minutes; after, she peels it and wraps her moistened lips around it, fitting half of it inside her mouth. She savors the taste of the large and firm banana against her tongue for five minutes before she takes a bite. Fifteen minutes later, after she finishes the banana, she stares longingly at Pastor Matt. “There is a God,” she whispers.
“Praise the Lord!”
“But alas, He would never forgive a wretch like me.”
“You are wrong, sweetie. God forgives all sins. All you have to do is say the sinner’s prayer.” He pulls her closer to him and positions her hands into a prayer position. “Repeat after me. Dear, Jesus.”
“Dear, Jesus.”
“Forgive my sins.”
“Forgive my sins.”
“Amen,” the two pastors and the young co-ed conclude simultaneously.
“You are now saved,” Pastor Matt says.
“Joy!” she shouts. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Would you do me the honor of allowing me to baptize you right now?”
“Of course!”
“Tubular!” The van pulls over; Matt opens the door. “Stand out on the sidewalk and I will baptize you. I don’t want to ruin the Pray’ng Bus’ shag carpeting. Okay, Miss Main, do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and promise to live for Him the rest of your days?”
“I do.”
“Then, on profession of your faith, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” Matt douses her with a bucket of cold water. “You are now baptized in the faith.”
“Thank you so much, Pastor Matt!” she says as she shivers, wet in ice water and in joyful tears.
“Well, see ya!” Matt blurts as he shuts the door and the van rolls forward.
“Wait, this isn’t the college. Where are you going? Hey!” The two pastors howl in laughter as they watch the young girl run in vain toward the van.
“Another soul saved thanks to the Pray’ng Bus.”
January 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm
I really got a kick out of your article. I don’t really have a lot to say in response, I only want to comment to reply with wonderful operate. great luck in 2010.