Started 2010 well. Tragic flaw of last decade: tried to live a normal life. Realized much too late such is impossible; impediments, personality, ambitions, conscience ensure it. Normalcy is the orgy in Caligula. Also placed too much faith in others and none in me. Nobody can compensate for my limitations. Salvation is found in sovereignty; mediocrity in submission.
Many wants, but the real what do I really need for full and abundant life? Always the same: Creation. Yet, always sought love first. Love is sweet, but sweetness alone malnourishes as evidenced the years wasted at church; also need fulfillment only I can offer.
Fulfillment will not be found in lies; must accept every limitation imposed on me by society, nature, God. Need more sleep: 8-10 hours each night. I’m not Lance Armstrong. Such massive amounts of rest seems excessive, but to fatigue into inactivity after a few productive days as is tradition is far more wasteful. Cannot care for another creature yet either. Hope your new owner is better. Sorry I failed you. Too easily discouraged. Resolved this year to stay the course no matter how pessimistic the outlook. Greatest limitation is my troublesome speech. Limits career opportunities and relationship possibilities; must rely on hands. If I lose those, then I’ll kill myself. Must accept such detours and the many more or continue to stumble on the same potholes.
Desire love and respect, but never earned it as the caring friend, the dependable employee, the obedient Christian; I remained in Hell; everybody remained Satan. Life cannot be found in others; it remains in my own hands, my own mind. Therefore, why worry how little society considers me? It consists of know-nothing douchebags whose love I fawned for but who I never respected; I’d leap off a bridge than ever be like the D. My heroes were never the normal ones; they were the ones society considered insane, yet normal society is guilty of the greatest atrocities against creation. Do I still desire their affection? Will I sacrifice my soul for it?
My highest priority for 2010: Create. All else is vanity.
February 15, 2010 at 1:09 pm
a worthy and good priority to have…