Ever since the iPhone hit the world in June 2007, envious nerd virgins everywhere gnashed their teeth and burnt with rage, offended that Apple made technology accessible to everybody. Since then, they have prophesied that a greater smartphone would be manufactured by a superior competitor with the ultimate features: replaceable battery, FM transmitter, Linux, expandable SD storage slot, hardware keyboard, and other unnecessary bullshit nobody actually cares about. They deemed this messianic phone of theirs the legendary iPhone killer.
The first legendary iPhone killer was the Blackberry Storm. It removed what made Blackberries great and slapped on a touchscreen. Needless to say, it failed to kill the iPhone. Months later came the G1, powered by Google’s Android, the ultimate mobile OS. Despite having an OS that was “open source,” it also failed to kill the iPhone. After that dud came the Palm Pre. It too failed to kill the iPhone.
After so many failed legendary iPhone killers, nerd virgins realized why these failures failed so miserably: they were not laden with enough gaudy features. Hence the creation of the Droid, which truly would be known as the ultimate and most legendary iPhone killer. Droid did everything that iPhone didn’t: mediocre hardware keyboard, replaceable battery with a flimsy cover, multitasking guaranteed to crash the phone, misogynistic marketing that made nerd virgins feel like real men, and a name ripped off from Star Wars. “The Droid shall crush American capitalist swine!” nerd virgins everywhere chanted in their user groups. Even Apple nerds–not to be confused with nerd virgins–speculated that the Droid might be a formidable foe to the iPhone. It was quite a powerful phone. How could it fail?
A few months later, everybody forgot about the Droid and turned their attention to the Nexus One, which was created by Google. Nergins everywhere jizzed their pants as they prepared for the day that the iPhone would surely die. The Nexus One was released in January. Has Google even sold 100,000 units yet?
Dozens of legendary iPhone killers have come and have been quickly forgotten; a dozen more will follow before the end of the year. However, even after three years, there is still only one iPhone.
