In an entry of The Daily Writer, the author writes of how the great orators of old discouraged writing down speeches lest their ability to actually memorize them suffered. Though the fear was valid, the author writes that our memories have deteriorated so greatly that writing actually benefits them nowadays.
Dissect me and you will see self-esteem is a rarity while paranoia flows abundantly. If I apply the strategy above, I can achieve equilibrium. If I embrace narcissism, I won’t become a douchebag, and if I embrace recklessness, I won’t become self-destructive. If I were already headed straight, then a swerve to the left would steer me right into oncoming traffic, but I drag against the shoulder. Therefore, I need a sharp turn in the opposite direction to return to the road I was made to travel. Even if I were to fall to the opposite extreme–though I doubt my tendency toward caution and fear would ever allow me–it would be better to die explosively in a head-on collision than to be dragged across thousands of mile of dirt. I can believe I’m invincible, because right now I believe I’m completely vulnerable.
My mother told me last night that I act like the welfare clients with whom she dealt when she worked at the county: they allowed the slightest troubles to snowball and crush them, which was why many of them remained dependent upon the government for survival. Ironic how fear, worry, self-consciousness, and every emotion dressed as self-preservation destroy me. If I do not change, I will suffer the same fate; now that is a more productive fear.
What drives you to wake up early in the morning and not merely live life but also kick ass in it? For me, it used to be Katie and the shadows who followed. I’ve since outgrown the infatuations, which has spared my life from those frequent bouts of depression that were one of the main symptoms, but now I have no reason to wake up early in the morning.
What do I really want? What do I dream of? It’s not wealth, it’s not a family, and it’s not even friends; it’s an audience. I want the attention, the affection, and the admiration of people in awe of me. Even the most intimate fantasy involving Katie had her play audience to the real focus of the fantasy: me. It’s not a sin to live to earn the fleeting affection of others. It might be a bit narcissistic, but the most successful people I envy tend to be most jealous douchebags around, so why shouldn’t I indulge in a drop or two? At the very least, I’ll still have the empathy wanting from their lives. Self-denial is overrated as proven by last year when I tried to live the miserable life of a saint.
When I share a poem, a picture, a video, or something creative that somebody enjoys, I no longer feel like a ghost but like a tangible person with an actual identity. That’s why I adore Emilie Autumn and Lady GaGa: They transcended normalcy and allowed who they really are to surface. The casual observer might believe them to be nothing more than women in costumes, but they are at their realest in the makeup, the masks, and the costumes. They have encouraged me to wear my fairy wings without shame. I suffer noticeable speech impediments, and I’m not beautiful, but I have talents with which I can earn your admiration. As I invest the 10,000, success, admiration, and self-fulfillment will become more inevitable. There is no if; there is only when.
“Knowledge is not skill. Knowledge plus 10,000 times is skill.” –Shinichi Suzuki
“I’m a determined motherfucker and if I try something it will not be put down until I master it! That’s just the way it goes. So, I can confidently, arrogantly say I will never not succeed at something because I just won’t stop until I do. I refuse to fail or not be good at something. That’s not gonna happen.” –Emilie Autumn
