I have decided to challenge Nick Cannon to a sex-off. We will both bang Mariah Carey–I will call first dibs because I don’t want sloppy seconds–and whoever can pleasure her greater will get to marry her. I am sure that I will win the competition since I am a Scorpio and we are the ULTIMATE SEX GODS, but even if I lose, I will have had the chance to have sex with Mariah Carey, so who cares?
Some of you skeptics might wonder why Nick would agree to such a challenge. Isn’t it obvious? His honor would be on the line. If he refused, the entire world would think he was a punk ass bitch who is afraid to have his masculinity tested. Only by agreeing to allowing me to have sex with his wife would he save any face.
“What about Mariah?” you ask. “Surely she would say no!” Surely you are mistaken! As we all know, Mariah is a devout Christian woman, and as we know from Focus on the Family, women are supposed to submit to their husbands. Therefore, she would have to do what her husband told her or BURN IN HELL. You might think she doesn’t have to when his demand is essentially for her to prostitute herself, but acting like a whore isn’t a sin; Carrie Prejean AKA Miss Cali, who James Dobson totally loves, proved that.
So, Nick Cannon, if you read this blog, which I’m sure you do, then I hereby challenge you to the ultimate battle of honor! Are you man enough to accept my challenge?
