The first legendary iPhone killer was the Blackberry Storm. It removed what made Blackberries great and slapped on a touchscreen. Needless to say, it failed to kill the iPhone. Months later came the G1, powered by Google’s Android, the ultimate mobile OS. Despite having an OS that was “open source,” it also failed to kill the iPhone. After that dud came the Palm Pre. It too failed to kill the iPhone.

After so many failed legendary iPhone killers, nerd virgins realized why these failures failed so miserably: they were not laden with enough gaudy features. Hence the creation of the Droid, which truly would be known as the ultimate and most legendary iPhone killer. Droid did everything that iPhone didn’t: mediocre hardware keyboard, replaceable battery with a flimsy cover, multitasking guaranteed to crash the phone, misogynistic marketing that made nerd virgins feel like real men, and a name ripped off from Star Wars. “The Droid shall crush American capitalist swine!” nerd virgins everywhere chanted in their user groups. Even Apple nerds–not to be confused with nerd virgins–speculated that the Droid might be a formidable foe to the iPhone. It was quite a powerful phone. How could it fail?

A few months later, everybody forgot about the Droid and turned their attention to the Nexus One, which was created by Google. Nergins everywhere jizzed their pants as they prepared for the day that the iPhone would surely die. The Nexus One was released in January. Has Google even sold 100,000 units yet?

Dozens of legendary iPhone killers have come and have been quickly forgotten; a dozen more will follow before the end of the year. However, even after three years, there is still only one iPhone.

To them, Google preaches about openness all the time, so it must be a very ethical company even if it is only open when it serves their bottom line; has Google even released the source code to Gmail? Indeed, Apple is also only open when such openness is beneficial to its business, but that’s the difference between Apple fanboys and Google fanboys: Apple fanboys are intelligent enough to know that Apple is not a company of saints; most would even admit that Steve Jobs, though a genius, does not have the most likable personality. We know Apple is good to us not because it is an altruistic company, but because it is good business sense not to treat one’s customers like ass. That’s that difference between Apple fanboys and assdroids: we love Apple not because it is preachy, but because it makes excellent products of impeccable build that every company, including Google, shamelessly imitates.

Google might not be more “evil” than any other company, but considering the self-righteousness and hubris inbred in the company, it is certainly much more annoying than any other company. Google and its fanboys are of the same ilk as televangelists: they are preachy hypocrites who would never allow what they preach to stand in the way of profit.

One would think that these manchildren who spend their lives on computers would have figured out that pornography and sexual content can be found anywhere on the Internet quite easily–and often unintentionally–which is why I feel little sympathy toward them or toward the developers of these apps that are nothing more than collections of free pictures taken from the Internet. It’s completely understandable why Apple would not want to be associated with such tackiness.

The reply by nergins is that by not offering customers the choice for such apps and forcing them to rely on all the dozens of other methods of downloading pictures of scantily clad models, Apple is violating our freedom of speech and worse than Nazi Germany. Most people realize that the First Amendment applies only to the government, which Apple is not. Apple is a business and the iPhone is a platform like Nintendo’s Wii, Microsoft’s Xbox 360, or Sony’s Playstation 3; all of these companies decide what is allowed on their consoles.

If you really want pornography on your phone, then use Safari. If you cannot get off on pornography that isn’t in the form of a native app, then jailbreak your phone. If a native pornographic app that is not from the official App Store is unable to arouse you, then you have issues that only a psychiatrist can treat.

It’s all right to be disappointed with Apple’s decisions, but it’s insane to believe they are obligated in any way–especially by the Constitution–to serve you apps to get you off. If this decision of theirs is unwise as they say–and have said about every single business decision Apple has ever made–then they will suffer in the market. I have a feeling though that most people who downloaded these junk apps will easily content themselves with the pictures and videos of naked women that exist EVERYWHERE ELSE.

Fresh leaves cannot outshine the glitter of
your dress. The Sky covets the blue of your
eyes, and the Sea quivers to rise above
the shore, embrace you, and ride the downpour.

Must fairies follow traditions that doom
us lives apart? What use are wings if they
cannot fly me over walls, beyond flumes
to the grove where you stay, my clever fay?

No bubble can presume us apart for Spring
arrived–when you came–I received new wings.

Many wants, but the real what do I really need for full and abundant life? Always the same: Creation. Yet, always sought love first. Love is sweet, but sweetness alone malnourishes as evidenced the years wasted at church; also need fulfillment only I can offer.

Fulfillment will not be found in lies; must accept every limitation imposed on me by society, nature, God. Need more sleep: 8-10 hours each night. I’m not Lance Armstrong. Such massive amounts of rest seems excessive, but to fatigue into inactivity after a few productive days as is tradition is far more wasteful. Cannot care for another creature yet either. Hope your new owner is better. Sorry I failed you. Too easily discouraged. Resolved this year to stay the course no matter how pessimistic the outlook. Greatest limitation is my troublesome speech. Limits career opportunities and relationship possibilities; must rely on hands. If I lose those, then I’ll kill myself. Must accept such detours and the many more or continue to stumble on the same potholes.

Desire love and respect, but never earned it as the caring friend, the dependable employee, the obedient Christian; I remained in Hell; everybody remained Satan. Life cannot be found in others; it remains in my own hands, my own mind. Therefore, why worry how little society considers me? It consists of know-nothing douchebags whose love I fawned for but who I never respected; I’d leap off a bridge than ever be like the D. My heroes were never the normal ones; they were the ones society considered insane, yet normal society is guilty of the greatest atrocities against creation. Do I still desire their affection? Will I sacrifice my soul for it?

My highest priority for 2010: Create. All else is vanity.

Consider the primary customer of each company: advertisers are Google’s and consumers are Apple’s. Most of Google’s services are free, but that’s not because Google consists of altruistic angels as the nerd virgin would claim, but because Google wants to shove as many ads in your face as possible as well as gather more of its users’ information so it can gain an even greater competitive advantage in selling ads. Who do you think has more motivation to cater to the average person: the one who makes most of its money directly from consumers or the one who makes most of its money from businesses, telemarketers, pornographers, and fraudsters trying to sell their snake oil?

The clearest contrast between Apple’s focus on the consumer and Google’s focus on everybody but the consumer can be found in their app stores. Developers and nerd virgins passionately hate Apple because the company forces them through a “draconian”–the word nerd virgins use most often when describing Apple–screening process before customers can even install their applications. It is definitely a hassle for developers–and even the most devout Apple apologist will admit that the process should be more streamlined and consistent–but Apple’s so-called madness is not without motive: when consumers browse the App Store for new apps, they need not worry about viruses, trojans, and other malware that would be even more dangerous on a phone than on a computer. The same security that is taken for granted on the Apple platform cannot be found in the Android Market as recently proven by an Android app that stole confidential bank information from its users. The “openness” that Google gives developers allows the more pernicious ones to take advantage of the trust many phone owners have in seemingly legitimate marketplaces. To use an Android phone requires constant vigilance; it is suicide for the consumer to assume even the most insignificant Facebook app isn’t malicious. Such paranoia might appeal to the typical assdroid who is already distrustful of everybody but Google and Richard Stallman, but the average person finds no joy in it; they don’t have the time for such hassle. That’s why people prefer the convenience and security of stores to flea markets; even those who enjoy the flea market experience would probably not purchase all their necessities from a band of unregulated merchants.

“Ha!” bleats the nerd virgin. “More and more shitty phones are being released with Android as their OS! Soon, there will be more Android phones than iPhones, which proves it’s the superior product!” If numbers are all that matter, then I agree that Google’s product is superior. Likewise, dog shit is superior to gold because it exists in greater abundance than gold. That’s why these same nerd virgins argue that Apple should release a netbook. They could sell many more netbooks than they ever could sell of the more expensive MacBooks. Since more netbooks would be sold, that would also prove that the netbook was a superior product to the MacBook Pro, according to the assdroids. Unfortunately for the self-proclaimed super geniuses, reality is not as simple; quantity is not all that matters. Consider this: Apple only dominates one industry: the music player industry. More BlackBerries are sold than iPhones and many more PCs are sold than Macs. Yet, every other company, even Microsoft, shamelessly imitates Apple; Research In Motion even released a BlackBerry without the typical keyboard found on every other BlackBerry! There will inevitably be more Android phones among the populace than iPhones, but most of their owners will neither know nor care that their phones run Google’s OS; they’ll be as much of a commodity as any other free phone given with a two-year contract. Everybody who owns the iPhone, however, knows they own the fucking iPhone because they made the explicit choice for the iPhone. “Fool!” bleats the nerd virgin again. “When Android has more marketshare, developers will exodus the App Store and develop exclusively for the Android!” Wrong again, assdroid. Developers who develop for a living don’t follow marketshare; they follow money. That’s why even those developers who despise Apple’s policies develop for Apple’s platform. Unless the Android Market, which has existed as long as the App Store, becomes as profitable as the App Store, it will never become the priority of most developers even if it is “totally open.” Will that happen anytime soon? Have iPhones stopped selling?

Apple designs its products for consumers; Google designs its products for everybody but the consumer. Developers love Android’s permissive environment. Nerd virgins love Android’s complicated mess because it gives them an excuse to waste more time tinkering with things that should just work; to them, technology should be ugly and convoluted and reserved only for an exclusive elite, or “1337,” group of people. Apple, however, does not cater to such a demographic; it caters to people who have better things to do with their time than fuck around with computers. Apple is truly the people’s company.

One of the major complaints against the iPad is that it doesn’t run OS X, the Mac operating system. I was among the disappointed. However, a tablet that runs an OS designed for a keyboard and mouse sounds much more awesome than it’d actually be. Can you imagine having to use your stubby fingers to fiddle with windows, menus, and tiny widgets designed for the precision of a mouse pointer? What a hassle! Even if Apple included a stylus, which everybody knows they would never do, it would still be more trouble than it was worth. Consider all the keyboard shortcuts taken for granted, such as command-tab, command-Q, etc. Try to navigate your computer for a week without them; not very convenient, eh? OS X software was designed with the assumption that people would use it with a keyboard and mouse and would never work as well on a tablet as software specifically designed for fingers, which is why nobody cares about the tablet PCs in which Microsoft shoehorns Windows.

The same is true with Flash. I was also surprised iPad’s Safari wouldn’t support Flash, but it’s not as big of a problem as others suggest. Flash is used mostly for advertisements, videos, and games. Nobody will miss the advertisements, websites are now often designed to display their videos in formats compatible with MobileSafari, and Flash games would not be as fun on the iPad for the same reasons an OS X app would not work well on it: the assumption of a keyboard and a mouse. Besides, the best Flash games have already been ported to the App Store.

If people demand a tablet that runs OS X and Flash, they will be happy to know such hardware already exists: Axiotron’s ModBook. Yes, they are expensive, but what do you expect to pay for an ultra-portable tablet Mac? The cheapest MacBook is $999; a tablet with as much power as that system, a 64GB SSD (16GB would simply not be enough), 3G, GPS, a multi-touch screen, and an ultra-thin body would cost much more than a grand. To reduce the price below $1,000 would require sacrifices that would cripple the device. An inexpensive ultra-portable tablet-based Mac is simply impossible.

Another common complaint is that the iPad won’t support multitasking. There are definitely times when I wish my iPhone could run multiple apps simultaneously–I’d like to use TextExpander in every app–but it is not as much of a problem as critics suggest. Apps that are designed well will return to the exact state in which you left them as though they remained open the entire time, and push notifications take care of the need to keep apps such as BeejiveIM open at all times. If the iPad were a computer in the traditional sense, the lack of multitasking would be unforgivable, but considering that apps will consume the entire screen–would we really want to be forced to deal with moving, resizing, and minimizing windows–and will open quickly and usually in their previous states, multitasking isn’t as vital. Of course, it would be nice to be able to listen to music on Pandora while using another app, but it is hardly a deal-breaker.

One complaint that doesn’t make sense is the idea that the device will be terrible for book-reading because of its backlit screen. People already stare at computer monitors for hours. If they can handle that, why would it torture them to stare at a similar screen?

The one valid criticism against the iPad is its absence to easily transfer and print files. I know there are apps for such needs, but they don’t always work and people should not be required to risk their money for such basic functions anyway. Hopefully, Apple will resolve this issue by late March. I also hope Apple improves its notification system for push notifications and text messages; its too disruptive as it is.

Besides those grievances, there are many others, but they come from people much more rabid and much less reasonable: “Apple is draconian! Google’s open source Android OS and its permissive app store that allows scammers to steal bank information from customers foolish enough to trust a Google phone with their information will crush the iPad as they have already done to the iPhone! Who wants a phone without a replaceable battery and crappy keyboard anyway?” To the typical Linux nerd, computers are not made to facilitate productivity; they are made to be tinkered with, slaved over for hours to enable basic functions, and to pirate all sorts of disgusting Japanese pornography. Is that what most people want from technology, as the nerds often bleat? Well, let’s consider the Droid: in its first week, Motorola sold 250,000 units. In the iPhone’s first week, when it still cost $499 with a two-year contract for service with a mediocre phone company and had no app store, Apple sold at least twice as many units! I don’t think Steve Jobs will lose much sleep by snubbing nerds that would rather work on computers than work with them.

I’m excited for the iPad. It might be a giant iPod touch, but one could say a truck is nothing more than a car with a giant trunk, yet would anybody argue that the extra space a truck offers in its bed grants it no more utility over a typical sedan? It will provide a better experience for surfing the web, reading books, viewing videos, and composing documents than an iPod touch with portability that not even the expensive and underpowered MacBook Air can match, and that’s not even considering all the ways clever developers will utilize its potential. Just as the Mac revolutionized the personal computer, the iPod revolutionized the digital media player, and the iPhone revolutionized the smartphone, the iPad will revolutionize.

Your joy when willowy legs levitate
above gravity’s chains give flight to doves
the hunters pinioned. Though teeth gnash from weight
so great, the world I’ll carry you above.

No treasure–even Columbine–I’ll hold
as devotedly as I carry you–
more polish than pearl, more glimmer than gold–
whose laugh empties the grave and tames the shrew.

Though muscles tear, I’ll suffer every trial
to relish the manna that is your smile.

Breaded Tofu

These tasted good–it reminded me of chicken–but fried foods give me a headache. If I make them again, I’ll bake them instead.

Scrambled Tofu

This recipe tasted much better than the one I attempted so many years ago, which had too many spices. It tastes kind of like scrambled eggs. I included a cup of salsa in the recipe, which made it even more delicious. I’ll definitely make this again.

Apple Pie-Crumb Cake Muffins (from Vegan with a Vengeance)

These are the best muffins I ever tasted! They took quite a bit of effort–I had to peel, grate, and cut the apples, make the crumb topping, and then make the actual muffin mix–but it was definitely worth it. I’m happy I made these in the mini muffin pan I recently bought as it allowed me to share my confection with more of my friends; they all loved them as much as I did. There’s nothing not to love about them: the crumb topping had the right blend of brown sugar and cinnamon and the actual muffins are fluffy and do taste like apple pie. l This is definitely a recipe I will make quite often.

Enchilada Casserole (from FatFree Vegan Kitchen)

These were much better than the previous enchiladas I attempted, but they definitely were not worth the effort they took, so I won’t be making them again. It was also spicier than I prefer.

I also made raw almond milk–it’s too unsweetened to drink but will work in recipes–and attempted donuts, but I had no donut pan, so they ended up lumps. Hopefully, the pan I bought on Amazon will arrive soon.