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Merciel

Merciel

The Sea and the Sky

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  • April 8, 2011

    After the First Time

    My entry for day 8 of the 2011 April PAD Challenge.

    Down the empty road a late moonlit night, alone
    in my procession. The crusade that always killed me
    finally blessed me one success–victory
    stitched from the limbs of many deaths.
    The upbeat in my chest erupts in sync
    with eighties Brit pop spilling out the speakers–
    her song on repeat–spinning my head around
    as the red lights force me to slow down.
    I sway as I wait at the intersection alone,
    no rush to move. I’ve already made it home.

    The taste of her mocha chip chap-stick still glosses my lips,
    overpowers the stench of artificial pine
    and aftertaste of candies that staled too quickly.
    The heat of her rose petal mouth still burns my face;
    I must exhale the smoke to savor the taste.
    Drunk in the deluge of embryonic dreams,
    no longer swerving down detours
    into dead-ends that led me in circles
    or kittens that swerved me off-course
    but unyieldingly straightforward heading home.

  • March 17, 2011

    Tea Time with the Spinsters

    Mary Ann and Sarah Lee sat at either ends of the brown leather couch with mugs of chai in hand as Mary Ann’s stereo played Hillsong. With thirty minutes before their weekly Bible study, the two women had about fifteen minutes alone before others would arrive.

    “Has Robert called you back yet?” Mary Ann asked, casually sipping the steaming chai. Despite her slight Southern drawl, she had never left her hometown of Modesto except on the occasional short-term mission trip.

    “No.” Sarah Lee frowned. “It’s only been a few weeks though. Maybe he’s busy.”

    “Surely he can’t be too busy to call even for a moment.”

    “True,” Sarah Lee admitted with a sigh. “What did I do wrong?” Mary Ann leant over and placed a hand on the younger woman’s shoulder.

    “You did nothing wrong.” Mary Ann’s smile contradicted her serious tone. “He just isn’t spiritually mature.”

    “True.” Sarah Lee rubbed her eyes. “He acted very strange when I discussed marriage with him.”

    “He probably just wanted to hook up for the night!”

    “He had the nerve to say, ‘It’s only the first date.’ Hello! I don’t date for fun! I’m looking for a serious relationship! Gosh!” She rolled her eyes and sighed.

    “God has a better man in store for you. He’s just waiting for the time.”

    “I know. I get lonely though.”

    “When you feel lonely, just read the Bible. It’ll make everything better. God doesn’t want you to suffer. That’s why He won’t let you make the same mistakes that so many other women make. Like Jesse.” Mary Ann gnashed her teeth as she mentioned the woman’s name.

    “I saw on Facebook that she and Manuel are getting married this weekend!”

    “Me too! She didn’t even invite me!” Mary Ann flustered. “After all the years I mentored her into a great daughter of God, she abandons her friends and her church for some Mexican janitor she met online!” Sarah Lee gasped. “He doesn’t even go to our church!”

    “Is he Catholic?” Sarah Lee gasped.

    “Probably.”

    “How awful! What does she see in him?”

    “I know. He doesn’t make much; he doesn’t own his own house; he’s even shorter than her!” The two friends howled in laughter.

    “She must’ve been desperate!”

    “She tells everybody, ‘Manuel’s like so sweet,” Mary Lee imitated a high-pitched Valley Girl, “and he like even helped pay for like my mother’s surgery. Like, that’s so tubular, like!’ Gosh!” Mary Ann rolled her eyes.

    “You have to wonder how bad their relationship must be at home.”

    “I wouldn’t be surprised if he beat her. We should pray for her.”

    “Okay.” The two knelt their heads and closed their eyes.

    “Dear Lord Jesus,” Mary Ann began. Her Southern drawl intensified. “Please rescue our good friend Jesse. She strays into sin away from You and her real friends. Forgive her for her sin and return her to the flock. In Your name we pray. Amen!”

    “Amen!” Sarah Lee followed. Mary Ann poured more chai into her mug and checked the clock.

    “Speaking of prodigal daughters, I hope Mae doesn’t bring Jeremiah again.”

    “Me too. I still can’t believe he had the nerve to hug you! Doesn’t anybody take temptation seriously anymore?”

    “Exactly! Worst of all, he’s corrupting Mae. I’ve known her all my life. She was always this sweet, quiet woman, but ever since she met Jeremiah, she’s become this loud, obnoxious freak. It’s so annoying!”

    “I know! She laughs like a hyena!” The two friends snickered.

    “He even had the gall to ask if I saw that Hangover movie. What self-respecting Christian would ever watch such filth?”

    “He’s even worse than his brother!” Sarah Lee exclaimed.

    “Oh, don’t get me started on Pastor John! I’m still mad about last year’s sermon.”

    “Me too. So, it’s hateful if you go to the queers’ parade and preach the love of Jesus, but it’s okay for them to insult you and make rude gestures? That’s ridiculous!”

    “I know. I only spoke the truth: Gays are perverts. Why is the truth so offensive?”

    “These are truly the end times.”

    “Our church hasn’t been the same since Pastor Ezekiel passed away,” Mary Ann lamented.

    “He was the best pastor we ever had,” Sarah Lee said even though he had died when she was only six.

    “I miss the good ol’ days.”

    “Me too.” Sarah Lee stared at the walls, her smile withering.

    “What’s wrong, Sarah?”

    “I miss him.”

    “William?” Mary Ann sighed. Sarah Lee nodded, rubbing at her moistening eyes. “He wasn’t good for you. I’ve already told you this.”

    “Everybody loved him though,” Sarah protested.

    “Yeah, because they’re just as spiritually immature as he is. Why else won’t they come to our Bible study?”

    “Everybody’s too spiritually immature for us though!” Sarah’s tears trickled down her cheeks. “William loved me. He understood me. He was perfect for me.”

    “The only one perfect for you is Jesus! William wasn’t a real Christian. Heck, he voted for Obama!”

    “So what? I miss him! I’m tired of this shit!” Mary Ann gasped as Sarah Lee cursed. Sarah Lee gnashed her teeth as the tears flowed freely down. “I made the biggest mistake of my life, and now I’m going to be alone forever!”

    “I know how you feel.” Mary Ann rested a hand on her friend’s shoulder, but Sarah Lee shrugged it off.

    “Do you really?” she snapped.

    “I do. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never even been kissed. Sometimes I even doubt God’s master plan for me involves a good Christian husband. But that’s all right with me, but that’s all right with me, because I have something far greater than any husband, and that’s the sweet love of Jesus! That’s all that matters in life.”

    “It doesn’t feel like enough.”

    “That’s because you don’t pray enough.”

    “I pray two hours a day!” Sarah Lee protested.

    “Well, I pray three hours a day, and believe me, God has never let me down. He might not give me a husband, but He gives me peace of mind, and that’s all I need. I could spend the rest of my years alone in this old house and as long as I have a Bible on my nightstand and Jesus in my heart, I’ll be the happiest woman in the world.”

    “Really?”

    “It’s true. In fact, I pity those poor women like Mae and Jesse. They’re not happy like you and me. They’re running from their first love. Jesus is a jealous god. That’s why you’re still single. He doesn’t want to lose you too.”

    “So, I shouldn’t regret breaking up with William?”

    “Listen to me, Sarah Lee.” Mary Ann stared into her friend’s eyes. “You did nothing wrong.” Silence flooded the following few seconds.

    “You’re right,” Sarah Lee sniffled. “Thank you so much!”

    “Oh, Mary! Thank you!” Sarah Lee wrapped her friend in a tight hug. “You are such a blessing!”

    “Thank you,” Mary Ann said.

    The doorbell rang. Sarah Lee wiped away the evidence of her tears as Mary Ann rose to answer the door. Before her stood a casually dressed couple with bright youthful faces that contradicted the gray in their hair. “Mae! Jeremiah! It’s so great you came!”

  • March 10, 2011

    Early to the Bible Study at Borders

    Delilah sat at the table across.
    Her vest beckoned famished eyes to her breasts
    Igniting lusts I hid but never lost.
    Torn by the trials, traumatized by the tests,
    I crawled out the trenches and sailed across
    The sea toward the light reflecting on her crest,
    Beyond the horizon, behind me the shore
    I knew I’d never set foot on anymore.

    Blinded by lust, captive of Philistines–
    Perhaps I planted the seed in shallow soil,
    But when she unbuttons her designer jeans,
    I confess rapture as the honey trap coils
    Around me–Babel rises again, leans
    On hills as I die in floods and then recoil.
    Forever trapped between two towers, but I
    Don’t mind. Verily, I live when I die.

  • January 25, 2011

    Leech

    Open up and bleed on me.
    Satiate my plea; saturate
    my ears with every ounce
    of misery you dam within
    translucent walls that glisten
    threads of your unravelled seams.
    Allow the leech to tear the vein
    clogged with the source of your pain.
    The deluge devours me,
    demands my lungs, my heart,
    my mouth until nothing is mine.
    Desert arms now nourished can carry
    you atop the Babel peak in a blink,
    above the world once declared my own.
    The only sacrifice: your cancerous pride.
    If you can’t trust me with your life,
    how can I offer you mine?

  • December 19, 2010

    Last Day of the Spiritual Retreat

    The prudent never drive with eyes
    affixed on the rearview, but I
    am lost in a spiritual high
    in hills she hides in–hills she hides.

  • December 19, 2010

    The Battle

    Tiny finger nails tear his cheek
    rebel against sleep
    I trek over toys
    rock him in my arms
    he stabs my neck with fingertips
    my ears with shrieks
    I coo his name
    rise in waves
    he scowls at me
    breaks my heart
    my will remains
    wades through tempests
    waits hour-like minutes…
    arms crash onto my bosom,
    roar wanes into a whimper,
    eyelids set, and finally,
    silence.

  • December 19, 2010

    Shadow

    Her shadow stands taller than me.
    When I wander into it, night
    consumes day. I become the prey
    of undead dreams I couldn’t slay,
    and she is their serpentine queen.
    To dream her eyes piercing through me
    turns me to stone, whets every bone
    with hunger too well-known, but she
    stands at such heights, she cannot see
    little ol’ me, crushed by her feet
    as I nip at her heel and plea
    for healing. My sacrifice gained
    nothing; every resurrection
    brought second death, but my heartbeat
    shall never resurrect. Now I
    await Armageddon, praying
    to see her on her knees before
    her warrior king. Whether he strikes
    with hand or scepter, either flood
    she secretes will wash all my stains.
    Solstice night will subside, the moon
    will turn a new tide, revealing
    shores I hadn’t traveled before.
    In dawn’s infant light, I will find
    the stone overturned, binding ropes
    burnt, freedom from the cross, falling
    onto my feet. King of myself,
    even if I have nothing else.

  • September 11, 2010

    “I’ll pray for you.”

    Clogged ears drown in her deluge as mind hides
    in tranquil slumber in the wooden ark.
    Half-shut eyes stray toward faces passing by,
    fathoms away from hers, too wet and dark.

    Her monologue ends; she stares, longs for words
    to soothe spiritual wounds I didn’t hear.
    I scavenge sermons for slogans I’ve heard
    to ease her pain (or, at least, save my ears).

    Four simple words declaimed with theatrics
    rehearsed at work, waiting on drunken jerks,
    coaxing from their wallets handsomer tips.
    Four words of charity (without the work).

    She rises with a finger, turns and leaves;
    at least my brethren will be proud of me.

  • September 9, 2010

    Schadenfreude

    Her pain’s the medicine I swallow to
    help demolish disorders driven through
    my skull since kindergarten, a cocktail
    of Welbutrin, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil.
    I drown the stowaways oppressing me–
    depression and social anxiety–
    in tears she sheds along with family–
    her mother, sisters, brothers. Slavery
    to tides defined three decades, but the stings
    inflicted by her hubby grant me wings
    to fly above Egypt toward Babel’s peak,
    plumed with purple petals above her cheeks.
    Beneath the gold veneer of smiles she feigns,
    I ravish bitter fruit and smile again.

  • September 7, 2010

    Drink as One

    Another night
    Another drink
    Drink a pint
    Drink till closing
    Closing wounds
    Closing thoughts
    Thoughts of fate
    Thoughts of the future
    Future adrift
    Future forsaken
    Forsaken for others
    Forsaken for miracles
    Miracles needed urgently
    Miracles never arrive
    Arrive alone
    Arrive home too late
    Late to maturity
    Late to the banquet
    Banquet of beggars
    Banquet without room
    Room to breathe
    Room to grow
    Grow a pair
    Grow apart
    Apart from bad habits
    Apart from the past
    Past old wants
    Past the fear
    Fear of failure
    Fear to try
    Try again
    Try a new plan
    Plan to find fame
    Plan to find love
    Love grows fonder
    Love will conquer
    Conquer inhibitions
    Conquer all anxiety
    Anxiety disorders
    Anxiety to perform
    Perform an encore
    Perform for a new audience
    Audience in the mirror
    Audience of one
    One reborn
    One free from the world
    World…
    Reborn…

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